"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
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