What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Cutest clover in the patch.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Can I claim your baggage?
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
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