Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
You're a good egg.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
Let's boomerbang!
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
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