How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Don't even chai.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Your name is insert name here?
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
French, French Revolution
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
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