Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Your love will always be up to par.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
It’s snow joke.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
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