A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
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