The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
"Hey there, hop stuff."
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
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