Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
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