My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
I dig you a hole lot.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
To get to the other tide.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
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