I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Say it ain’t snow.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
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