Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Biology - It grows on you.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Please, please me
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
You look good on your yoga mat.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
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