What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
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