Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Are you squiding me right now?
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
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