Best in snow.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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