Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
All things must grass.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
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