When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
Join us for a slice of fun.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
We're donion rings.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
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