Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Sorry, I'm octopied.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
"I make pour decisions."
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