Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
"What an egg-citing day."
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
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