My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Go to BabaMail
