It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Water you doing on [date]?
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
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