The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
You are pitcher perfect.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
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