What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Can I hold your hand?
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
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