“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
My weekend is fully booked.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
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