It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
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