What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Don't even chai.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
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