I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
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