What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
To get to the other tide.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
It's always a first class trip with me.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
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