How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
I’m very frond of you.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
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