“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.

My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!

If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.

Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.

My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?

Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”

What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.

Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!

What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!

Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.

I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.

A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."

Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?

It's cutting-edge technology.

Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O

What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.

I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.

Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.

Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.

The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.

What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.

Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison

What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.

Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.

Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.

“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown

What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon

Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".

To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"

How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.

Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.

How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.

Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.

I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.

What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.

I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.

How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.

What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.