Your good seed for the day.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Nice Ass-teroid.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
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