“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
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