"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."

- Jim Gaffigan

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.

What should you wear before driving?

The correct gear.

If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?

I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!

Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.

The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!

What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!

There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”

- William S. Burroughs.

If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.

Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.

Don’t ever trust a leper-con!

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley

I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.

How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.

How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!

I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.

Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.

The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.

Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.

I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.

What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.

Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft

What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.

Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.

“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown

I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.

Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.

If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?

How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.

I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.

I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.