I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Water you doing, my friend?
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
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