What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Want to be workout buddies?
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
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