“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Nice asteroids.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
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