Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
How hot does your gas oven get?
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
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