“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
"No wine left behind."
The superconductor left without resistance.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
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