Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
I can turn your software into hardware.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
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