What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
By the seat of one’s punt
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
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