Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
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