I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
So how many cats do you have?
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
I can be your travel pillow.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
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