"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers

Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.

I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!

What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!

I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.

My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”

Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.

If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.

Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.

I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.

At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.

Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.

I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!

“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger

“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?

If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.

I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.

What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.

What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.

I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”

The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'

My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.

Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.

To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk

Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record

Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

There’s no trick in these pants.

The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull

There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.