What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
You’re my lucky charm.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
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