I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
"Eggs-cuse me."
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
I have bean thinking about you.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
I am a mean green machine.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
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