"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
I like you sow much.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
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