Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.

I want to read you from cover to cover.

"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld

"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron

Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.

Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.

I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.

"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard

How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!

It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.

My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

I call the shots.

Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.

o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.

What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”

Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft

“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.

I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.

I’m stuck on you like igloo.

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers

Fall makes me g-leaf-full!

What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby

Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.

I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.

What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot

How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.

What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!

"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.

What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!

Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?