I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Give me your number so I can make the call.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
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