“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
It’s party thyme.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
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