Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
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