What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
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