If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Summer is just floating by.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
I think I glove you.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
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