You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
So how many cats do you have?
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
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