"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
I need to take this picture for my instayam
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
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