What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
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