We’ve got serious chemistry.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
"On cloud wine."
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Go to BabaMail
