What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers

What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store

My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”

"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.

I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.

Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.

My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.

What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.

The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.

Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!

What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.

My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.

Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.

What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.

What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.

What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin

Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!

"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck

How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?

Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.

"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb

What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner

There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.

What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

What is the capital of Greece?
G.

Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.

Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!

What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.

I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.

Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!

That was thaw-some!

You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.

How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.