"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz

Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".

There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.

What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!

Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!

“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”

- Moby.

“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.

What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!

I’ll always be running-back to you.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.

Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!

Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson

What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

The boot black brought the black boot back.

Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.

Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”

What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.

Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.

I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater

“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”

Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!

“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”

What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.

What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!

You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.

Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.

A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.

What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.

Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.

What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.

What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET