I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
It’s party thyme.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Can’t pinch this.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
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