What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I can be your travel pillow.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
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