What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”

What does a house wear?
Address.

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts

How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.

What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer

Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.

Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.

"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver

What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.

Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.

Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!

If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.

Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.

Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.

I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.

Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain

Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.

Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.

Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.

I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles

What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.

"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby

I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.

What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.

You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.

The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.

Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.

What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.

I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.

What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.

What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.

“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”

- Betty White.

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.