“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Variety is the ice of life.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
You’re Isaacly my type
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
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