Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Some people have no guts."
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
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