How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
I’m fondue you.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
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