What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Don't get tide down.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
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