Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
We make a great pear
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
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