“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”

- Marshall McLuhan.

If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.

Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.

What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.

Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.

2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.

Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.

"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."

- Immortal Souls.

"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno

Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.

Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.

What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.

What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.

What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.

Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything

I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.

What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.

The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.

Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.

“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”

My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.

Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.

When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!

What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.

What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.

You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.

The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.

The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.

What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.

I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.