What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
You can stand under my umbrella.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Can I be one of the men in your box?
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
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