What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
You mermaid to go far.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
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